kanani ☼
kanani ☼
"Maybe,” she said, “maybe it is just that I am tired of loving people who don’t love me back."
Excerpt from a book I’ll never write #40 (via blossomfully)

Day 1
Holy hell this hurts. I can’t breathe. I don’t know what to do without him. I have no idea what I did wrong or what I could have fixed. Fuck. He stopped loving me. Maybe he never loved me at all. I can’t feel my fingers.

Day 7
I’m crying again. I don’t know why. I shouldn’t be so upset. I shouldn’t be sad. I should be angry. He left without a proper explanation. He left because he was a coward. He left. He left me. I’m sobbing.

Day 11
I saw him with another girl yesterday and I was so so so furious. I ran outside without shoes in below freezing temperatures and then I came back inside and ripped apart a gossip magazine. I feel childish.

Day 26
All of our friends want us to be mature about this. They don’t know our ending. They don’t understand.

Day 27
But maybe I should speak to him. There’s no use or purpose in holding everything against him anymore; obviously nothing is going to change what happened and nothing is going to change who he is.

Day 31
We spoke and we are fine, but I think I am still in love with him.

Day 45
He is not who I thought he was. He is more vulnerable than he shows and it makes me sad to know that I can’t do a single thing to help him. I’ve tried so many times already.

Day 60
He was not ready for us. It was not the right time. He wasn’t right for me. At all. I wish I could have realized this earlier. It would have saved me a lot of pain and time.

Day 81
I’ve just had a dream about him—for the first time in weeks. It was a hopeful dream. Wow, I thought I was done with him? Maybe I’ve misjudged myself.

Day 90
It’s been three months and I still think of him from time to time. Sometimes I still expect to see him next to me when I wake up in the morning. Sometimes I crave his touch. Sometimes I listen to our song and try not to sob out loud.

Day 108
I haven’t seen him in so long. I think this distance is good for me. I’m starting to think about him less and less. He is fading away.

Day 121
There is someone else now. Someone new. I haven’t felt this way in so long. I haven’t had anything to look forward to in months. Now I smile when I get out of bed because I know I’m going to see this boy today.

Day 140
I’m falling for this new boy. His touch is so different but so warm. I only want to get closer to him. I hope I can.

Day 151
He’s back. The old boy. The one that broke me. He’s back to shatter me again—or at least he has the capability to. The way he’s treating me is odd, like the past five months never happened. Like all is forgiven. Is it?

Day 158
Yesterday was my birthday and I spent it with all of my friends. He was there—the old one. So was the new one. I’ve decided that the new one is a much better fit for me.

Day 159
I am actually so angry with him. The old boy. He never takes responsibility for his actions and he never apologizes. I’m so glad that we ended when we did. I dodged a bullet. I could not have handled somebody so immature and pathetic.

Day 173
The new boy took me out tonight. It was sweet and innocent and good-natured the entire time. He told me I looked pretty. This is what I want.

Day 175
I’m leaving for a while. I can’t wait to get away from everything and everyone. I want to forget about everything that’s happened. I’ll come back a brand new person.

Day 196
I’m back and the first news I hear is that the old boy wants to speak to me. He wants to apologize for everything he’s done, for all the lies and secrets and omissions. Half a year later and he finally feels remorse. I doubt he’s genuine.

Day 197
Would I be stupid to listen to him? I mean he can’t just waltz back into my life and fuck things up again right after I’ve finally forgotten about him. But what about the closure I’ve been waiting for?

Day 198
I’m overthinking things. As usual. I was fine and now I’m not fine. Almost seven months later and he’s still at the back of my mind. When will it all end?

Days since you left (via thoseconstellations)
"My problem is that I fall in love with words, rather than actions. I fall in love with ideas and thoughts, instead of reality. And it will be the death of me."
Unknown (via fuckinq)
"People are just as wonderful as sunsets if you let them be. When I look at a sunset, I don’t find myself saying, “Soften the orange a bit on the right hand corner.” I don’t try to control a sunset. I watch with awe as it unfolds."
Carl Rogers (via defeatxthelow)

my favorite post on this website
"A person is a fool to become a writer. His only compensation is absolute freedom. He has no master except his own soul, and that, I am sure, is why he does it"
Roald Dahl (via kushandwizdom)
"I get lonely almost as quickly as I get sick of people."
Nate Mask (via funeral)